


Can we recover?

by Dark_Runs_Out



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and some other important moments for them, basically nothing new, only their thoughts and feelings throughout the episode, set during s02e20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 09:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11871015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Runs_Out/pseuds/Dark_Runs_Out
Summary: "God he was so nervous, what if Magnus still didn't want to give them another chance after what he was about to confess? What if he laughed?NO. Alec had to have faith in them, he had to fight for them. He had to show Magnus he was all in."Basically a character study of Magnus' and Alec's thoughts during 2x20.





	Can we recover?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! :)  
> So this is the first ff I've ever posted and I'm really quite nervous about this.  
> I don't know if it's any good, but if I never post anything I write I'll never know, right?  
> The finale gave me so many feelings, I somehow had to let them out, so I wrote this. It's basically no new plot (despite one scene) and more of a character study, my speculations of what Magnus and Alec might have felt during several scenes.  
> Please note that English isn't my first language, so apologies for grammatical mistakes.  
> Title from Ruelle's "Recover".  
> Now enough of me though, let's do this!

Alec couldn’t think straight. And there couldn't be worse timing for that.  
  
He had a war to worry about, dragon-like demons flying over all of New York and they had no clue about the whereabouts of Sebastian and Valentine.  
Still he couldn’t concentrate on anything without his thoughts drifting to Magnus. The institute was just so full of places reminding him of his boyfriend. Or rather ex-boyfriend he corrected himself and could barely stand that thought.  
  
No, it couldn’t be over. Not like that. He knew he had made a huge mistake, had betrayed Magnus' trust and he wished he could take it back, could go back to the day his father had told him about the soul sword and go tell Magnus about it immediately.  
But he couldn’t, and he didn't know how to fix this, fix them, because he understood Magnus’ dilemma.  
  
The other man had the whole downworld to protect and worry about and Alec had just shown him with his actions that the warlock couldn't trust him. So he had to do what he thought would be best for his people, even if that meant hurting Alec.  
  
It was the classical dilemma of the wellbeing of many against one. And Alec couldn’t blame Magnus for choosing the downworlders, his family, over him.  
He had never expected the warlock to choose him over his people, but still there had been a part of him hoping the warlock would at least be willing to fight for them, for what they had, because it was something special - at least for Alec.  
But he guessed that after what he had done he didn’t deserve that anymore - that he just wasn’t enough.  
  
**  
  
He had always had this kind of fear. That he wouldn’t be enough for Magnus.  
  
He had never been enough for Jace, at least not in the way he wanted to. So when Magnus began to show interest in him, Alec couldn’t believe it for a long time. That there was actually someone out there that would be interested in _him_ \- not the strong, emotionless man he tried to show the world, but the insecure man that was so afraid of what other people would think of him if they really knew him.

  
And it wasn’t just someone either.

  
It was the most stunning and breathtaking man he had ever met. Magnus had fascinated him from the moment they met. He seemed so confident in his make up and fancy clothes, talking about his male ex-lovers, as if homophobic people just didn't exist, not caring at all about other people’s judgment.  
  
So when Magnus started flirting with him, he thought that this couldn't be real, that this had to be a joke and the other man simply wanted to out him or expose him. Because the other option was that the warlock really cared about him and that just seemed impossible to Alec.  
  
So he proposed to Lydia, knowing that, while not making him happy, this decision at least satisfied his parents and assured him a projectable future without risks or hurt.  
It was what the world expected of him, and hadn’t his whole life always been about fulfilling expectations?  
  
But then Magnus hadn’t stopped pushing and it almost seemed like he was fighting for _him_ \- for him, who had always been repellent towards the other man. And it confused Alec.  
  
Magnus made him feel like the future he had always tried to not even imagine, was an actual possibility. Because of Magnus Alec had dared to start thinking about a life that didn’t include an arranged marriage and him only devoted to his job.

  
For the first time Alec had imagined a future including love, happiness and a relationship built on something else than an arrangement - and he couldn’t go back.  
  
But with these thoughts came other thoughts, truths about the reality he was living in and how the future that might give him happiness was also firmly bound to challenges, prejudices and lack of understanding from society. And he didn’t feel like he was ready for that. He was doubting himself so much already, he couldn't risk losing the people he cared so much about over this.

  
What would be left then? Only himself and his self hating and he bet that if Magnus would have seen him like that, bare and full of doubts and insecurities, he would have left him too.

  
So Alec did the only thing he thought would keep him from this kind of lonely life: he told Magnus about his plans to marry Lydia and went through with it, although it made him feel more and more like he was dying on the inside.  
  
*  
  
By the time the Silent Brother told them to exchange runes, Alec had gone completely apathetic in his mind. He felt numb, but he knew that if he gave in to his emotions he would break down and he couldn't let anybody see him like that – he couldn't fail, this was just another task to accomplish. He had to get through this, letting nobody see him for anything but the strong shadowhunter he was supposed to be, and after this was all over he could go into his room and cry for the life he could never have.

  
That was when he heard the loud bang of a door falling closed. He looked up and for a moment everything seemed to be standing still, including his heart.  
Magnus was standing there, in all of his glory amidst the whole congregation.

  
For a moment they were only staring at eachother, everyone holding their breaths, unsure of what was happening.

  
That was until Maryse started to storm towards Magnus, ordering him to leave.  
  
The warlock barely broke eye contact with Alec though, while pointing up a hand and declaring he wouldn't leave except Alec told him to do so.  
And that was the moment Alec's heart started pounding harder than it ever had before, harder than during any fight against a demon. Because this wasn’t a fight for his life, Alec realised, this was a fight for his future.

  
Would he let society's expectations of how it should look like win and live an unhappy life, full of the numbness he had experienced this whole day? Or would he take a risk, putting the safety and security of the life he had in danger for something more?

  
It was an impossible decision to make, especially in front of so many people and within moments.

  
He heard Jace and Lydia asking him if he was okay, but all he could see, all he could think about was Magnus and the way just seeing him standing there was making him feel.

  
Alec was so nervous and his head was racing but still, only looking at the warlock made him lose his breath, made him feel light and dizzy, made him feel things he never had before he met Magnus and that he probably wouldn't ever feel again if he didn't take this chance.

  
So the shadowhunter took all the courage within him, told Lydia he couldn't do this and asked her if she was going to be okay, and as soon as she assured him of that he took a step towards Magnus, a step towards a life full of possibilities he had never even dared to imagine.

  
Fear got control of him then, facing this whole room of people that were all staring at him, wearing shocked and disapproving looks on their faces. But it took only one look at Magnus - at the man he could be, confident and not caring what other people thought of him; at all that they could be, together, a life full of firsts he thought he could never have – for him to get going, pushing Maryse away.

  
There was nothing that would stop him now, Alec had made his decision, and though he wasn't sure where this would lead him, his heart pounding in his chest, full of fear of what would await him, he was already feeling freer than he ever had. And that thought gave him the last drop of courage he needed to grab Magnus by his collar and kiss him.  
  
Then his thoughts finally went still.

  
His focus completely on the man in front of him. The feeling of Magnus' lips on his made him feel happier than he had ever been. His emotions finally taking over him, he felt all of the tension of the last days fall away, to leave only happiness and giddiness taking over his body, from his stomach to his shaking knees, to his eyes that began watering.

  
Then suddenly Magnus broke the kiss and for a short, horrible moment Alec thought he had made a huge mistake and the other didn't want this, didn't want him. But then the warlock looked at him, completely in awe and kissed him back, a promise, that whatever they had, whatever had just begun, he was in.

  
And that was when Alec knew that this would be worth fighting for, that whatever challenges and prejudices he had to face from now on, it would be worth it and Magnus would be there to help him deal with them.  
  
**  
  
In hindsight Alec had to admit that the words Magnus had spoken not long after their first kiss had been, at least partly, true.

  
That day he hadn't solely chosen Magnus over Lydia, but majorly chosen to be himself over pretending to be someone he wasn't.

  
So in a way, yes, what he did he had done for himself, but the point is that he did it because of Magnus. Because without him he would never have had a glimpse of how his life could look like.

And that had been the beautiful thing about Magnus' love. He hadn’t just shown the shadowhunter that he was able to be loved, worth of being loved, he had also shown him how to love himself, how there was nothing wrong about him and how his own happiness was always worth fighting for.

  
And that was why he didn't get how the warlock could just give up on this – on them – even though he had told Alec he loved him too. What they had was so special, it had made them both better people and he just couldn't make himself throw it all away.

  
It was his fault though, that they were where they were now. He had lied to Magnus and betrayed his trust.

  
And maybe what he had given Magnus before that hadn't been enough. The warlock had made Alec's life better and he had made him a better person. But what if that wasn't the case for Magnus? What if he had been a burden to him for so long? What if he had never been enough for Magnus but the warlock just didn't have the heart to end it with Alec and he was kind of relieved now that he had a reason to break it off with him?

  
_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

  
It was then, when Alec had nearly brought himself to hyperventilate just through these thoughts, that Izzy interrupted him and informed him about the dragon demon situation and that they had to find the rift the creatures were coming from and seal it.

  
Alec knew then what she would suggest and he tried to keep her from that, saying they needed a warlock, not Magnus in particular.

  
But she wouldn't let him get through with that and logically he knew that if they even had a chance at sealing that rift it would be with Magnus, he was the High Warlock of Brooklyn for a reason.

  
Alec couldn't stand the thought of seeing him now though, especially now that he had begun to wonder if maybe he had never been enough for him and if the warlock might never have loved him the way he did.

  
Izzy could be very persuasive though and in the end there he was, on his way to Magnus’ loft. The first time since the warlock had walked away from him.

  
And it hurt. The familiarity of it all was the worst. How often had he walked this way after a long day, looking forward to see his boyfriend, to kiss him, to cuddle with him until he fell asleep?

  
_Too often_ , he thought, because although his head reminded him that it was all different now, that Magnus wouldn't open his door and give him a short kiss in greeting, his heart still skipped a beat when he caught sight of the warlock's door, a little voice telling him that maybe Magnus would be happy to see him too, after all.

  
That hope got crushed though, as soon as Magnus opened his door.

  
The warlock gave him barely a look before attempting to close it again. It was obvious, he didn't want to see him. And Alec almost gave up just then, he wanted nothing more but to walk away and lock himself up in his room and let his emotions overcome him, to let his misery all out.

  
But he couldn't. They were amidst of a war and there were some strange kind of demons out there, just preparing to attack. Furthermore he was the damn Head of the Institute and it was his job to secure the safety of his people and if that included an uncomfortable talk with the love of his life whom he was currently fighting with, then he had to get through this.

  
_“Magnus”_

  
  
The warlock opened the door again – just wide enough so that he could talk to Alec. The message was clear: you're not welcome to come in, anymore. And it stung, more than Alec would have ever thought a little gesture like this could.

  
_“What do you want, Shadowhunter?”_

  
  
And another sting directly into his heart.

  
Alec was sure that after this talk his heart would be completely shattered to pieces.

  
Magnus had never called him “Shadowhunter” like that before, like it was a curse, like he detested all of them and they were all the same, including Alec. From the first time they met he had always been _Alexander_ , and just as much as he hated to be called like that by everyone else, he loved it when Magnus did so. And in this moment he would have given everything to be called _Alexander_ by the warlock once more, accompanied with a smile on the warlock's face, like his name was the sweetest honey on his tongue.

  
Alec couldn't make him say it though, obviously. So he came right to the point, trying to keep it all business, otherwise he probably would have broken down and begged for Magnus’ forgiveness, he just couldn’t stand this.

  
The warlock surprised him then, by saying he already knew about the Seelie Queen having made a deal with Valentine.

  
And as soon as he was done speaking Magnus attempted to shut the door once again.

  
_“Wait!”_ , Alec said, more firmly than he had thought he could.

  
This was more important than their fight and it seemed that after he had explained the situation to the other man, Magnus came to think so too. He agreed to help them, which was good. Not without stressing that he didn’t do it for him or the shadowhunters and acting really annoyed, rolling his eyes and dropping a “duh”, which really hurt.

  
Magnus then just closed the door and Alec was mostly glad about that, because he didn't know how much longer he would have been able to endure the warlock acting like that towards him.

  
He didn't seem to be missing him at all, or regretting his decision to break it off with Alec. Did that mean, Alec really didn't mean that much to the warlock after all? He really had thought that Magnus had loved him, after all they'd been through. And maybe he had and Alec had just messed everything up, beginning with not believing him when he was in Valentine's body to lying about the Soul Sword.

  
Maybe it was all his fault and he had made it harder and harder for Magnus to love him. And if that was the case, he would never forgive himself for ruining a future with the love of his life.

  
________________________________________________________________

  
Magnus couldn't do anything without thinking about Alexander.

  
The last days had been literal hell. He had found himself in an unsolvable dilemma and had finally chosen to protect his people, which he thought he couldn't do while being so attached to a shadowhunter at the same time.

  
He had thought that breaking things off with Alec would have made him be able to think this all through without being too biased, without thinking about what would happen to the shadowhunter when he took certain decisions.

  
It hadn't worked at all.

  
Magnus still found himself thinking about what it would mean for Alec if he agreed to the Seelie Queen’s plan, no matter how many times he told himself he should take the decision to ensure safety of _his_ people.

  
Until he realised that Alec had long become one of “his” people.

  
It was stupid to just think in categories like “downworlders” or “shadowhunters” when it always came down to the individual. There were bad downworlders out there, just like there were good shadowhunters. Alec was right, they had to fight for the safety of everyone, not just “their” people and Alec had tried to ensure nothing but that with the official meetings with the downworlders. Still he had lied to him about the Soul Sword, and that had stung. How could Alec not have trusted him enough to tell him?

  
But after all, maybe he would have done the same thing in a similar situation? Magnus couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't have.

  
And the longer the warlock tried to stay away from Alec, ignored him, snapped at him, the more he realised that he just couldn't do this, he couldn't stay away from the shadowhunter, no matter how hard he tried. It made him feel miserable.

  
It wasn't until he found out the Seelie Queen had made a deal with Valentine though, that he realised that he couldn't trust his fellow downworlders any more than the shadowhunters. And that he really had made a horrible mistake.

  
Would Alec forgive him for just leaving him in that hallway? For just walking away from him even though the shadowhunter was more than willing to fight for them? For snapping at him and treating him like he was just another shadowhunter?

  
He knew he had hurt him very badly and maybe he deserved to suffer for that. Deserved to not get another chance.

  
So when Alec suddenly appeared in front of his door it was all to much. He kept the facade of being annoyed and mad at him, because otherwise he would have lost control and he didn't know what would have happened then. Nothing good, most likely.

  
And after all he _was_ a bit annoyed, at the way his heart skipped a beat the moment he saw Alec and at how he wanted to do nothing more than just pull him close and kiss him, although his mind knew he couldn't.

  
As soon as Magnus closed the door after their talk he leant against the wall and closed his eyes.

  
It was all too much, seeing Alec there in his doorframe looking as good as ever, though maybe a little tired and exhausted.

  
It brought back so many memories.

  
But these days everything brought back memories.

  
When he woke up, his first instinct was to reach at the space next to him, just to find it was empty. Then he would think of all the mornings he laid next to his Alexander, just pulling him closer and not ever wanting to let him go.

  
When he dressed he would see the clothes Alec had left at his place, as he had slept at his place nearly every night. Then he would remember teasing the shadowhunter about the lack of understanding he had for fashion. And now Magnus was always tempted to put on some article of clothing that belonged to Alexander, just because it would smell of him.

  
The same happened with nearly every routine they had had, with every piece of clothing he had once worn on a date, with every room in his loft. It all had some connection to the shadowhunter and it all reminded him of what they had had and maybe could never have again.

  
Alec had been so devoted to their relationship, had supported him and cared for him like no one ever had. He had made him feel so loved, for who he was. How could he have let that go?

  
**

  
Magnus always acted so confident around people, like he didn't care what they were thinking about him.

  
And frankly, he didn't care about what most of them thought, hundreds of years of life experience made you realise that it didn't matter what someone thought of your appearance or attitude.

  
That was all a facade though, the person he wanted others to see. His deepest feelings and fears he had savely closed off, because they made him insecure and vulnerable and he couldn't let anyone see that. In hundreds years of live you didn't only make friends.

  
That all changed when Alexander came into his life though. He felt the other tearing down those walls he had built around his heart for over hundreds of years in the span of a few weeks. Magnus realised he trusted this shadowhunter more than most of the people in his life after knowing him for just a few days.

  
These feelings grew even deeper after they got together. Alec cared so much about him and immediately noticed if something wasn't right. It catched the warlock off guard many times.

  
And how was the warlock supposed to not trust the shadowhunter more than he had trusted anyone in a long time when Alexander was so honest with him? He basically laid his heart bare at Magnus' feet.

  
That meant showing him parts of himself that he was insecure about, that he was actually afraid of showing others. And while he trusted the shadowhunter enough that he was comfortable with sharing these things with him, he still was afraid of scaring Alec. What if Magnus showed him who he really was and Alec would look at him with fear or disgust in his eyes?

  
The warlock didn't know if he could live with that.

  
It was bound to happen one day. How soon catched him off guard though.  
  
*  
  
Magnus had been home for about an hour, when Alec had stormed in and immediately started kissing him with a force they hadn't kissed with many times. So he broke the kiss, only for Alec to confirm his suspicions: he really wanted to take the next step.

  
It was all a bit soon, not that he hadn't thought about it, but he wanted the shadowhunter to feel ready for it, it was his first relationship after all. And honestly, he wanted to give himself some time to prepare too.

  
The warlock hadn't lost control during sex many times in his long life and with his many lovers, but he knew that what he had with Alec was special. He had rarely felt this way so soon in a relationship, so full of love and want and he knew what could happen when he felt this deep.

  
So Magnus had wanted to prepare himself for it, to practise his glamour and to feel more secure that Alec wouldn't react too badly when he saw his cat eyes.

  
But how the hell was he supposed to wait any longer when Alec looked at him the way he did, assured him that he wanted this and then kissed him like he couldn't wait any second longer either?

  
So Magnus threw all his worries over board and gave himself to Alexander.

  
They giggled while trying to keep on kissing and undressing eachother at the same time. And then when Alec had finally gotten rid of his shoes and shirt and Magnus had thrown off his jacket, the warlock threw the other on the bed in one very graceful move, that threw him off guard for a moment.

  
“Shadowhunter”, was the only thing that Alec breathlessly replied to Magnus' surprise before pulling him into another kiss that grew more intense with each second.

  
Magnus felt himself relaxing, the giddiness of the moment turning into something slower, steadier. He too felt his want for Alec grow stronger and stronger. Finally, his mind stopped racing and there was nothing else but Alec, their lips connecting, tounges entwining, bodies moving in sync to the other. Magnus gave himself completely to the other man, letting his feelings take control, his whole body fizzing with excitement and want and the feeling of finally coming home.

  
He felt Alec's hand slowly running down his back and lifting his shirt with a touch so lightly, it seemed the other was afraid Magnus could break. And that gentleness of the other man made a shiver go down the warlock's body and he felt goosebumps everywhere on his skin. Among all the lovers he had had, from inexperienced to sex god, no one had ever treated him like he was something so precious, something that could be broken easily.

  
_Because they had all believed my facade. They had all just seen the confident man I was wanting them to see._

  
But Alexander had seen behind his facade. And this realisation struck Magnus so hard and sudden he felt his glamour fade.

  
Feeling panic taking over him he covered his eyes and turned away, desperately trying to put his glamour back on.

  
But it was too late, he was too shaken up, full of too many emotions at once.

  
He heard Alec stutter something, the shadowhunter thought it was his fault, oh god, he needed to do something.

  
So just like that Magnus turned around and let Alec see the part of him he was so insecure about he had to glamour it. The mark that would forever remind him and everyone else that he wasn't like them, that he was an abomination, a monster.

  
Magnus was so scared of what would happen next, that he wanted to close his eyes in this moment more than anything else in this world.

  
Nothing could have ever prepared him of what was to come though, because Alec didn't even flinch. He looked into his eyes, his real inhuman eyes and _smiled_.

  
Magnus was so taken aback that he couldn't do anything but watch Alec's smile grow wider, his hands cupping the warlock's cheek.

  
  
_“Magnus”_

  
  
He could have died happily just there, his name coming from Alec's lips, the sweetest sound he had ever heard in his hundreds of years.

  
  
_“They're beautiful. **You're** beautiful.”_

  
  
Magnus had heard these words spoken to him before in his life, but never were they spoken to him. To the man beyond the facade.

The few people who had seen him without his glamour had been scared of or even disgusted by this part of him. Never once before had someone looked right through his cat eyes, into his soul, and told him he was _beautiful._

  
He couldn't believe it, had never thought this could be possible. Nevertheless this beautiful man was sitting there right in front of him, looking at him as if he couldn't believe his luck either.

  
And it was right then and there that he realised he was falling hopelessly in love with the shadowhunter.  


  
The way that Alec had always seen right through him, had always known when something was off, had catched him off guard many times. He wasn't used to this, used to someone noticing when he put on his facade and questioning what was behind it.

  
But every time he tore down another wall and shared some ugly truth about himself with Alexander, the shadowhunter never looked at him in horror or disgust. He rather looked at Magnus like he had just fallen even more for him and told him over and over again that he was beautiful.

  
And just like that Magnus had shared more and more about himself, until one day he had told Alec about his step-father, a story he had never told anyone ever in his long life. He had thought back then, that this would be it, this would be the story that would finally repel even Alexander. He had tried himself to forget this particular memory over and over again, as it was the final proof that he was a monster, deep down, a danger to everyone he loved.

  
So he had shed tears, expecting Alec to finally see him like everyone else did after he got to know the worst part of him.

  
But once again Alexander had looked him straight into his eyes, now knowing even the most horrible part of him and said with an expression of complete honesty on his face:

  
_“There is nothing ugly about you.”_

  
And Magnus could feel that he had meant it.

  
  
**

  
Magnus opened his eyes.

  
God, he had been so stupid. There was a man out there who could look him in the eye, knowing his most horrible secret and tell him there was nothing ugly about him.

  
A shadowhunter who wasn't ashamed at all to show his love for a downworlder in public, who fought for this not being such a huge thing anymore.

  
A man who had taught him, that no matter what he had done in the past, he was worthy of love.

  
A man who had torn down the walls he had so carefully built around his heart for hundreds of years in a matter of _months._

  
And he had been willing to let it go.

  
Magnus had to fight for this. He had to fight for them. Sure, what Alec had done had not been okay, it still hurt and they had to talk about this. But they all made mistakes and Magnus wasn't willing to let one mistake ruin what they had so carefully built over the last months.

  
He would seal that damn rift and do whatever it took to get them out of this war and then they had to talk.

  
Because Alec had been right, they would always find their way back to eachother.

  
  
______________________________________________________________

  
  
It was over and they had made it. Even Jace. Especially Jace.

  
The hour that Alec had spent thinking, _feeling_ Jace was dead had been the worst one of his life. He couldn't live without his parabatai and he was so thankful that he wouldn't have to.

  
Now there was a party going on, they had defeated Valentine and Sebastian, by the angel.

  
All was well again and everyone was so happy.

  
Still Alec couldn't really enjoy the scene. He didn't really like parties in the first place, there were too many people, it was too loud and everyone was drinking way too much. He normally preferred spending his time alone or just being among a few close friends.

  
The main reason he wasn't feeling completely triumphant and blissful was another one though.

  
He still hadn't really talked to Magnus after everything.

  
Their encounter at the institute and the battle together at the beach had given him some hope again that all wasn't lost. The way Magnus had said his name after his parabatai rune had burned, so full of concern and fear, had made him a bit more hopeful, that maybe Magnus did still care about him after all.

  
He wasn't sure though, that Magnus wanted him back too, even if he still cared about him.

  
And Alec was too afraid that wouldn't be the case to just go over and ask.

  
So he had ended up here, in a corner, a beer in his hand, staring longingly at his favourite warlock enjoying himself at the party and drinking sparkling drinks.

  
Alec was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice someone was approaching him until he heard a voice.

  
“Hey Alec, still haven't talked to Magnus?”. It was Izzy, looking beautiful as ever with a concerned look on her face.

  
“I.. I don't know how Izzy. This wasn't just a little fight that you just brush off like it didn't happen. And I'm so scared that he doesn't want to try again. I love him so much and I basically told him that I'm more than willing to fight for us the last time. I poured my heart out to him and he still didn't think it was enough. He left. So why should it be different now?”.

  
He hadn't meant to say that much, but he had barely talked to anyone about this and it has been eating him out from within for too long. And now that everything was okay and his sister was listening to him, he just couldn't stop.

  
“Oh Alec!”, Izzy sighed and pulled him into her arms, “Everything’s going to be alright!”

  
“But Izzy, how? Why are you so sure about that?”, Alec felt like he was about to cry.

  
“Look,” his sister began, pulling away, but taking his hands into hers.

  
“You're right, I can't know that for sure, because even I can't see the future. But what I can see is that what you and Magnus have is something special. I have never seen something like that. You make each other better people. When you are together, it is so obvious how happy you are. Alec, I've known you for so long and I've seen how unhappy you have always been before you met Magnus. I have feared it would forever be like that and that hurt my heart. And then you two found each other and it was like you've finally found happiness. You have changed so much for the better since you met him. And now that you are apart, I don't see that sparkle in your eyes anymore, and I don't see it in his anymore either, so please, fight for it, fight for him. You can't give up on love that easily!”

  
Alec was taken aback, the way his sister talked so passionately about him and Magnus, about all the little changes she had noticed in them, with such passion in her eyes. It made him feel how much she cared about him. He loved her so much.

  
“Thank you Izzy. Wow. You are amazing do you know that?”

  
“Of course.” She smirked.

  
“How are you so sure about Magnus wanting the same thing though? I mean, after all I've done... I don't know... I’m afraid he doesn't... love me anymore...”

  
Izzy looked at him, startled.

  
“Wait, do you really think that? God, Alec, you should have seen his face earlier in the institute, he was so worried about you. And he has been looking over to you longingly the whole evening. You're both hurting, yes. You had a severe fight, yes. But by the angel, he still loves you Alec, everyone in this room could confirm that to you!”

  
“Really?” Alec asked, feeling courage and hope coming back to him.

  
“Yes!” Izzy exclaimed, “and now finally go talk to him, I can't stand seeing you this sad anymore!”.

  
Alec gave her a final squeeze and then made his way across the room.

 

  
  
Magnus was leaning against a wall, currently drinking some kind of alcoholic beverage, looking stunning as ever.

  
When he was close enough Alec gave out a not too loud “hey”, hoping he didn't sound as nervous as he felt.

  
Magnus was looking up to him and instead of an annoyed look he got a little “hey” back.

  
The warlock looked better than in the afternoon, after all the magic had been drained out of him. Alec hoped he had gotten some rest before partying.

  
Turned out partying was part of Magnus's remedy after being drained out of magic, as the warlock explained elaborately to Alec.

  
The shadowhunter didn't really pay attention to the words coming out of Magnus' mouth though, he was way to occupied staring happily at the man in front of him. Because he talked to him again, full Magnus style.

  
So he was a bit caught off guard when Magnus asked him about the demons. He didn't want to talk about demons to this man, he could talk about demons to everyone else in this room. He wanted to talk about them and how he wanted nothing more than for them to be okay again.

  
Alec tried to explainthe demon situation in as few words as possible. And as soon as the shadowhunter was done Magnus raised his glass.

  
“Well, then we can take this moment? To celebrate.”

  
Remembering the beer in his hands Alec clinked it against Magnus' glass, then raised it to his mouth.

  
_Hell what was he doing here? He didn't want to clink glasses over demons, all business like, with the love of his life._

  
He put the beer away from his mouth again, moving his hand in a nervous gesture. He had to do this, now, otherwise the moment would float away and he would lie awake alone in his bed at the institute again this night.

  
“Can we talk?”

  
Alec couldn't really read the warlock's expression after his question. He said yes but looked sad and also like he had known this was coming and it made Alec so nervous, he just walked outside without looking if Magnus was following him.

  
He strode a bit along the alley and for a few seconds he didn't hear the door and thought that the warlock hadn't followed him after all. But then he heard a quiet _click_ and turned around.

  
Magnus was walking towards him and Alec was so nervous he couldn't hold his hands still.

  
He didn't know what to expect, if he should trust Izzy and have hope or if he should prepare for his heart to be broken again.

  
_No._

  
He wouldn't allow for that to happen, at least not without fighting for Magnus, telling him how he felt.

  
  
_“Magnus I'm sorry.”_

  
  
_“Don't apologise.”_ , the warlock replied nearly immediately.

  
Alec cut him short. Because he really was sorry, for lying to Magnus about the soul sword, for making him feel like he couldn't trust him. He wished he could express that without repeating the same words over and over again.

  
  
_“No, I should have told you about the soul sword.”_

  
  
He should have, and he will forever regret having not to. This last week without Magnus had been hell and he would never forgive himself if they couldn't find their way back to eachother because of this.

  
  
_“It's in the past...”_

  
  
Alec didn't really know how to react to that. What did Magnus mean by that? Was it an “it's in the past, it's okay, we should look into the future”, or was it an “in the past – you will never be able to reverse it”?

  
He had to know and Magnus had to give him another chance. So he decided to just tell him how he had felt this last week, without him.

  
  
_“Magnus, ever since our...”_

  
  
Alec couldn't call it a break up and he had to show the warlock that for him this wasn't over,

  
  
_“...fights. I... I can't... I can't think straight.”_

  
  
It was the truth, although not what he wanted, what he needed to say.

  
Magnus didn't look at him, but he was about to say something, so Alec waited.

  
  
_“Well, I can't do anything without, thinking of you...”_

  
  
This confession gave Alec hope, more hope than he had had since their talk in the hallway, but Magnus still seemed reluctant to admit it, like it was something bad, something he shouldn't be feeling.

  
So Alec decided to tell him the realisation he had made among the last week, the one that made him so scared the other man wouldn't give him another chance. The one that made him feel so on the edge and tense this whole talk.

  
  
_“Magnus, I...”_

  
  
God he was so nervous, what if Magnus still didn't want to give them another chance after what he was about to confess? What if he laughed?

  
_NO._ Alec had to have faith in them, he had to fight for them. He had to show Magnus he was all in.

  
So with every last bit of courage Alec could find within him he declared, way more firm and confident than he felt:

  
  
_“I don't think I can live without you.”_

  
  
It wasn't a question. It wasn't an assumption. It was a fact. The one thing this last week had thaught him and he hoped with all of his heart that Magnus felt the same.

  
So when the warlock looked him straight into the eyes, startled, surprised, doubting, Alec gave the tiniest of headshakes to underline that had he meant it.

  
That was when Magnus's gaze broke, he looked down, but Alec could still see the exhaustion that had taken over his face.

 

  
_“I thought I had to choose between you and the downworld,”_ , Magnus looked up, an honest look on his face, _“but I don't.”_

  
  
Alec looked at Magnus, the warlock's face finally open, honest. He was so relieved about seeing that change of expression in the other man's face, that he couldn't really process what he just heard. Did that mean, Magnus was ready to give them another try?

  
Before he could ask, though, the warlock continued.

 

  
_“A wise man once told me... “Relationships take effort.””_

 

  
The last part he said with the most ridiculous and adorable expression of the shadowhunter, that it made Alec laugh – and that was when he truly knew they were going to be okay again.

 

  
So the shadowhunter replied: _“Yeah, well that was an understatement.”_

 

  
And the smile and little laugh full of relief on a face still marked with sadness and pain, that Magnus gave him in response, was one of the most beautiful things Alec had ever seen.

  
He was still trying to mentally take a picture of this exact moment, when Magnus replied, smiling.

 

  
_“You know what's not an understatement?”_

 

  
And then the warlock was already drawing closer to him and after a short exchange of glances they closed the last bit of distance that was left between them.

  
  
Finally kissing Magnus felt like coming home after a long day at work, warm, comforting, relaxing, _right._

  
Alec felt all of the tension of the last week finally falling off of him, until there was nothing left but exhaustion and love.

  
It wasn't a long kiss, more like a confirmation that all would be well again.

  
But it was enough to make Alec sure that Magnus had missed him just as much and that he hadn't lost him, that he still loved him.

  
And if the kiss hadn't assured Alec enough of that, the little moment after would have, in which Magnus kept his eyes closed a little longer, looking like he tried to storage everything about this moment in his mind forever.

  
After lingering like that for a moment, Magnus opened his eyes and asked, with one of the most beautiful smiles Alec had ever seen on him:

 

  
_“I'm all into parties. But what do you say we get out of here?”_

 

  
And Alec couldn't agree more.

 

  
_“Yes.”_

 

  
They put their hands around the other's back and finally they were going home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)  
> As I said, this is my first real ff, so if you feel like leaving a little comment, telling me what you think it would be really appreciated.


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